Pensights on 7 Things to Look for in a Mentor

Webster's dictionary defines a mentor as a trusted counselor or guide.
Here is a quick summary of my thoughts on choosing a good mentor. There is a more extensive personal discussion of mentors and choices below.

Choosing a mentor in 7 easy steps:

1. Find someone who is knowledgeable in the area you want to grow or improve.

2. Look for someone who shares knowledge, not just information.

3. Someone who enjoys what they do is going to be better at it, so look for someone who is passionate about the subject, whatever that may be.

4. Your mentor should take the job "personally." That doesn't mean "has no personal life," it means engaged and caring about the outcome and results of his or her work on a personal level.

5. You should "like" your mentor. Some will disagree and say you can learn from someone you don't like. But really, why bother? Learn from someone who makes you aspire to the example he or she sets.

6. You should see something about yourself in your mentor. That may be anything from common values and belief systems to language or lifestyle choices, but your mentor should also challenge you.

7. Your mentor should be FUNCTIONING at a level or levels above you on whatever it is you are seeking. Someone who is unhappy cannot mentor you on happiness. A selfish person cannot teach generosity. THINK about what you really need and want. You should feel like you are learning and growing almost immediately.

Some ideas may be more complex or hard to understand, and you may have to work on yourself. But, you should feel empowered, encouraged, and enlightened. If you feel belittled, disrespected, or devalued, you have the WRONG mentor. Move on. Find another.

In summary, a true mentor is never going to make you feel weak or incapable. An honest mentor is never going to encourage you to depend on his or her word alone. A real mentor has an ultimate goal that involves YOU being more powerful and more confident in your abilities. A trusted counselor and guide ALWAYS has your best interests at heart.

He or she may tell you truths that make you uncomfortable or cause you to question yourself and your motives, but that is a part of growth. He or she will never attempt to isolate you or discourage you from self-development. A good mentor will frequently recommend readings or works by others that he or she feels would be beneficial.

If you would like more information about mentors and why I wrote this, continue below.

It is funny how brief conversations and passing moments can be sparks for so much more. I had a chat a couple of months ago with a Twitter friend/follower that really made me pause. It made me think, and stuck with me for several days. I made myself a note to come back to it after I had some time to reflect. This blog was in response to Curtis J Allen, on Twitter@curt353. Thanks for the inspiration!

This writing is a reminder to myself and to my readers that little moments, conversations, and words should never be underestimated. You may feel powerless, or unimportant, or you may be at the top of your game leading millions. Your thoughts, words, and intentions matter because they become your reality.

No matter how many people you influence, you do have an impact on others. A simple question or word of encouragement can change someone's life in an instant. Some people may be a part of your life from birth to death, while others pass through for a moment in time. Some you may never meet, but you may touch their lives through your work or your art.

You may not see any end result because your purpose in that person's life may have been to simply spark a flame. Don't ever allow yourself to be discouraged because you don't have an audience or a certain following or because you feel unimportant. If you have an idea or a dream or a vision, pursue it. Work at it. Bring it into reality.

Your vision is not tied to someone else's approval or belief. That is why it's yours. Those who are meant to come into your life will. You will impact those you are meant to impact. If you don't "YOU" no one else can.

Curtis's question was "How did you choose your mentor?"

He asked this question after I brought up Brendon Burchard several times over the course of a couple of conversations. I don't think I ever really answered because I had never actually considered having a mentor. I've always been more of the lone wolf sort - surveying the terrain, journeying to a place of interest, and nosing around to see if what I needed existed in that place.

I have been an avid reader since childhood, but I was around 31 when I first read a "self-help" or empowerment book. I am business minded, so I quickly followed the recommended readings and moved on to Napoleon Hill's Think and Grow Rich, The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People, etc. Most of my reading leaned toward the business aspects of life: management, leadership, efficiency, accountability, performance - anything geared toward the world of work and making it better for those I managed.

I was fortunate to be a part of a huge company that valued innovation and invested in developing its employees. So, I reaped personal growth from phenomenal training and guidance from some of the best in the management field as a result. My first hand experiences included the FISH revolution from Pike Place Fish Market in Seattle, WA back in the day, a seminar actually given by The Seven Habits author Stephen Covey himself, industry specific enrichment courses from George Washington University, and the list goes on.

In addition to the external training and seminars, we had some of the brightest and most brilliant researchers and practitioners in the world on staff, and the entire culture of the company revolved around innovation. Every department and functional area was filled with exceptional talent. I was surrounded by smart people who loved what they were doing. The energy was contagious. When I reflect, I had no idea at the time what that company really planted into my life.

However, I never had a "mentor" per se. I read every day, I looked for knowledge constantly, I pursued strange paths that others in my life probably still question, and I always looked for a new challenge. I made some really stupid life decisions and put myself in some extremely difficult, even dangerous situations as a result. I never gave up. I kept looking around and reading and learning. I never dismissed someone as unimportant because of their station in life or level of income. I always "knew" that everyone could teach me "something" if I did not close my mind.

Those actions were the steps that brought me to where I am now on the personal growth path. I still find it astounding that anybody is really interested in reading what I write. I am amazed every time someone follows me, and if you follow me on Twitter, those ridiculous explosions of excitement and glee you come across between my serious business and technology tweets are real. I'm still like a kid at a carnival in this world, and I will do my best to keep that sense of wonder until the day I die. I have finally learned to balance all of my excitement and happiness with some disciplined action toward my personal goals, and I do credit @BrendonBurchard for that.

When Curtis asked that question, I realized that I had actually at a late stage in life chosen a mentor, and it was Brendon. I suspected my perception of "mentor" as someone you work with directly and personally was too restrictive, and when I looked the definition up, it confirmed my suspicion. Interestingly, one of the things that Brendon stresses is the importance of good mentorship and surrounding yourself with people who can challenge you to move to your personal best and hold you accountable for your ACTIONS toward that objective.

As a result, I have started to read and follow some others who deliver messages that resonate with me on different levels. It is actually very strange for me to actually look to others in that way. I think mentorship has been preached and promoted so much over the past few years that most millennials build it into their career and life plans.

However, the couple of generations prior developed under a very different mindset. Most of us were taught to work hard, make our own way, and accept personal responsibility. Teamwork was expected, but it was more of a gathering of people who contributed individual expertise and then returned to their domains. As true teamwork has evolved into the expected culture at most companies, the popularity of mentors and coaches has grown. They are highly valued for their ability to help achieve specific goals within a designated timeframe.

I do feel there are benefits to working directly with a mentor or coach. There is a level of accountability and personalization that cannot be achieved through reading and self-direction. However, if you are not in a position that affords you direct access to the mentorship you need, you can absolutely make progress and grow by reading and using tools and exercises that are available to you.

Videos, podcasts, and audiobooks are also widely available, so if you learn better that way, use them. As you use these tools, you will find that doors open, your knowledge increases, and you will see opportunities that you did not see previously. It is your choice whether to keep moving forward and grow or stop. You will soon learn that many of our limits are self- imposed.

I chose Brendon as a mentor because as I read his information, and listened to his philosophies and goals, I felt I needed to know more. Every time I listened to a podcast, his words stuck with me long after the podcast ended. That's one sign I think is important. There is a reason there are so many different coaches and teachers in the world. It is NOT a one size fits all thing.

We must open our minds to learn new things, and if we refuse to do so, then we are doomed to ignorance. However, people have different personalities, different life experiences, and speak different languages and dialects. There are times when you will "feel" the words of someone who has a shared cultural experience because you identify so closely with the experience that they are explaining. Other times, you might be drawn to the information being delivered. It might be something you have wondered about, or something you have been seeking. You may receive information better from someone who is very no nonsense and factual, and you may prefer listening to a speaker who is calm and determined. Others may be drawn to someone who is super energetic and extremely expressive.

Area of expertise and focus, his or her personality and personal belief system, the delivery method used, the message itself- ALL of these things are equally important when choosing a mentor. Integrity matters. Most people don't want to hear lies or be mislead. And yes, I said most people. Some prefer delusion and pretty words to truth or growth, but you are not one of them because you are still reading!

You may also have more than one mentor as you develop various areas of your life. You have emotional, physical, spiritual, and mental goals with your career goals and life goals. You may feel completely happy and fulfilled in one of those areas and empty in another. You may seek out a mentor for just that area.  I would also add that someone who tells you there is only one way to do something or accomplish things is probably more of a sales person than a mentor. 

I would define Brendon as my "life mentor." He exemplifies to me what an intelligent, fully engaged, committed, caring person should be. That may be because I have always been a teacher and a writer and an artist who veered off path to roads less traveled. I get it when he says he would teach and educate and encourage and uplift even if he never made a dime doing so, because I have always felt and done the same on a much, much smaller scale.

I followed Brendon casually for a couple of years, but when he threw down the gauntlet with his book The Motivation Manifesto, that did it. I was in. It is not a "casual" read. It is a challenge to every decent caring person of this generation to stand up and take his or her place in this world. It is a call to action for those of us who see insanity escalating around us to do our part to impact the course of society. Our apathy and foolish wishes that bad, confused, or ignorant people will do the right thing are just that -apathy and foolishness. WE are accountable for ourselves. We need to stop with the excuses. We SHOULD be our personal best whatever that is. Anything less is an insult to humanity, and if you believe in a higher power, to your creator.

Interestingly enough, I have a dear friend that I would actually claim as my "This is how to Adult" mentor. Lol, she is twenty years younger than me in age and ten years older in terms of emotional maturity. She has taught me a great deal about balance and weighing dilemmas between heart and mind. She is far more logical, ordered, and decisive than I will ever be in this lifetime. I have in turn taught her that forgiveness is strength not weakness, and that looking at a situation from different perspectives instead of just one can be enlightening and empowering.

For those of you who already have mentors, awesome! For those curious, my friend Curtis started his path toward his life goal after being introduced to a book by Grant Cardone. He is from a very different background and world, so it makes sense that our mentors would be "different." I love that at his young age he has taken his knowledge and stepped up to speak to others because he has wisdom to share. He blogs and has started a business, and he can speak to others who would never hear my words, or those of Brendon or Grant.

Education and empowerment is the understanding that when a small seed is planted, it may grow into a blade of grass, or it might become an oak tree. Those of us responsible for planting the seeds know who we are. If you are reading this and wonder if this means you, the answer is probably yes. If you are not a teacher, perhaps your work is to fund a teacher's work, or organize or sponsor a writer's workshop. Perhaps you have the business acumen that your local non-profit sorely needs. You may be the person who has the ability to grow beautiful plants or create peaceful refreshing landscapes and gardens. Maybe you bake the greatest cupcakes and cookies in town and spread happiness everywhere you take them.

Everyone has a purpose, sometimes different purposes at different times in life. If you are content in life, but have that nagging feeling that you are supposed to be doing something, you may want to look for a mentor. If you feel stuck, but you are undecided about choices and direction, a coach or mentor can help with that. If you feel angry, frustrated, empty, or hopeless, look for a mentor to help or point you in the right direction.

I am currently working on a couple of personal projects, and I know that I am going to be moving far outside my comfort zone. I am finally okay with that. (Lol, says the brave person JUST venturing out to the blogging world!) I have no doubt that I will be using some resources and information from people who have just recently crossed my path. My mentors are here or will show up when they are meant to show up.

No one who passes through your life is accidental! They are there to teach you, or you are there to teach them. I am by nature a really private and introverted person even though I am outgoing, so my recent venture into the world of social media has been eye opening. Those who know me on Facebook will laugh because they know I show up there randomly once every six months or so. I'll be back. Google has been interesting and confusing, but I've met some cool people, lol. I'll keep trying. Twitter is currently my favorite. Maybe because I am business minded, maybe because I'm a smart azz, or maybe because I like direct and to the point.

I love my Twitter peeps. They teach me something new every day, they make me laugh, they inspire creativity, and they make me reflect. Snapchat and Instagram, I have accounts that I set up but never started using. Maybe I shall. Maybe I will learn more about those and come to love each one for its strengths. That remains to be seen!